Bit’s Bites: Solid Food Reviews By Babies, For Babies

Guest review by Annika “Bitlet” Vien-Zhu, six months old

Babies, the coolest thing happened to me a few weeks back. My parents started letting me eat solid food! But, as I found out, it’s not always as tasty as it looks. So I decided to post a review of solid foods so you’ll know what to munch and what to spit out.

White Stuff (Congee)

I’m not sure if this counts as solid food or not, but my parents tried giving me this weird thick formula on a spoon. It was completely tasteless. Eww. They were clearly trying to pass off bottom-shelf formula as Target brand, and I don’t think they even stirred it enough. Naturally, I refused to take a single bite.

Orange Stuff (Sweet Potatoes)

One night at dinner, my parents and grandparents were eating some tasty-looking orange stuff that came in brown pouches. It smelled sooo delicious. As always, I stared longingly at it, hoping they’d take pity on me and give me some. I was just about to give up hope when . . . my mom mashed a little up and put it in my mouth!

Hmm. Food that came in lumps. So this was what they meant by ‘texture.’ I liked the sweet taste but I didn’t know what to do with the lumps. I kept pushing them around in my mouth and sometimes they slid down my chin, which my parents seemed to think was hilarious. I’d like to see them try a whole new state of food, like gas food or plasma food or something, and see how well they’d do.

Orange stuff is the bomb, yo.

Green Stuff (Avocados)

My mom’s not that into eating anything green, and now I know why. Green stuff is oily, lumpy, and hard to eat. Take my advice: If something green’s coming towards you on a spoon, keep your mouth shut as tight as you can.

Pears

PEARS. ARE. AWESOME.

They have TWO tastes, sweet and tart. You taste the sweet, then you taste the tart. Sweet, tart, sweet, tart, sweet, tart. I could taste it all day. Actually, I did taste it all day this one time when I got my grandparents to serve me an entire container. “Don’t worry about overfeeding her,” my parents told them. “She’ll stop when she’s full.” Ha! They are so naïve. I just kept munching and giving Grandma cute faces and before you knew it all the pears were gone. It was great. If you’ve got a grandma, I suggest you do the same thing.

This is your face on pears. Any questions?

Other Orange Stuff (Squash)

I figured this would be good because my mom gets a big bowl of it whenever she goes to Panera, and I was right. It was sweet and creamy and my mom claims it’s also buttery, but I’ll have to report back on that once I taste some butter. Maybe butter is squashy?

Other Other Orange Stuff (Carrots)

I took a big bite of this thinking it was Orange Stuff or maybe Other Orange Stuff, only to find it wasn’t. Solid food is so confusing! This kind was less sweet than the other two, and had a slight vegetal note, or so I’m told. But it wasn’t half bad. Basically, orange is a far safer bet than green.

Bananas

Bananas are almost as good as pears. They’re sweet and they stick to your mouth a little so you can save some for later. The best thing about them is that they give you green poop which will gross your parents out. When my parents first saw ‘nana poop they groaned and made faces and basically acted like they had never seen poop before. Honestly.

How to Convince Your Parents to Give You Solid Food

I know what you’re thinking: “Bit, this sounds great, but all I ever get is formula! When will my folks start me on solids already?” Here’s some advice:

1. Be four to six months old. Sorry, all of you still in the fourth trimester, but you’re going to have to wait a little longer.
2. Get a seat at the table. Fuss until somebody gives in and lets you sit on his lap. Then, you’ll be in the perfect position to execute steps 3 and 4.
3. Track every bite. Follow the food with your gaze from plate to fork to mouth. Every. Single. Time. This will demonstrate that you have “developed an interest in solid food.”

   Like so.

4. Look super pitiful. I know you know how to look pitiful. You’re a baby. But, if you need some help perfecting your expression, see the below illustration:

   You’re aiming for Oliver Twist here.

5. If all else fails, bribe your pediatrician. Slip a discreet $20 in your onesie, and she’ll claim solids cure everything from reflux to sleep regressions. (“BITLET!!!” – Courtney and John)

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